ONE FOR THE HISTORY BOOKS!

One afternoon, three close friends named Hercules, Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan, sat by the river contemplating their lives. Bold and arrogant, Hercules exclaimed that he was surely the strongest person in the world. "That may be true," said Sleeping Beauty, "but I am better because I am obviously the most beautiful person in the world." Don Juan laughed at both of them and said that without a doubt, he must be the greatest person alive simply because he had had his way with the most women. After several hours of argument, they decided to consult a guru for the truth. First, Hercules went into Guru's cave. A few moments later he came out with a massive grin on his face. The Guru had said that he was, in fact, the strongest person in the world. He was very pleased. Sleeping Beauty came out of the cave with a lovely smile: "It is true! I AM the most beautiful woman in the world!" Moments later a distraught Don Juan came stomping out of the cave: "Who in the world is Bill Clinton?"

CLINTON AND POPE SUMMIT

During his visit to the United States the Pope met with President Clinton. Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days. Finally, a weary President Clinton emerged to face the waiting news media. The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success. He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then Mr. Clinton declared he was going home to the White House to be with his family.

A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked tired, discouraged, and was practically in tears. Sadly he announced his meeting with the President was a failure. Incredulous, one reporter asked, "But your Holiness, President Clinton just announced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80% of the items discussed." Exasperated, the Pope answered, "Yes, but we were discussing the Ten Commandments."

CLINTON APPROACHING THE PEARLY GATES

Clinton died and went to heaven -- or to be more accurate -- approached the Pearly Gates. After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter. "It's me, Bill Clinton" "And what do you want?" asked St. Peter. "Lemme in!" replied Clinton. "Soooo," pondered Peter. "What bad things did you do on earth?" Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had extra-marital sex, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't really have 'sexual relations.' And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury." After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."

A PIG STORY

Bill Clinton's limo is driving along a back country road on the way back to Washington from Camp David, when all of a sudden a pig jumps out in front of the limo. Bill, upset, tells the chauffeur to drive to the nearest farm house so he can pay for the damages and apologize. They arrive at the farm house up the road, and Clinton tells the driver to go inside and tell the farmer and his wife what happened. 2 hours later, the driver emerges from the door with his clothes in disarray, a brown paper bag, and a huge smile across his face. Bill wants to know what happened. The driver tells him, "I went inside, they made me a nice steak, then the parents introduced me to their 24 year old daughter who was a finalist in the Miss America Pageant, when I finished eating the mother had this bag of cookies for me." Bill says, "What did you tell them?" The driver replies, "I told them I was Bill Clinton's driver, and that I just killed the pig."

CHELSEA MAKES THE WHOLE WORLD HAPPY

President Clinton, his family, and Al Gore are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a bill out the window right now and make one person very happy".
Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten bills out the window and make 10 people very happy." Hilary tosses her perfectly hair-sprayed hair and says, "Of course, then I could throw one-hundred $1 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole Country very happy."


HILLARY, AQUITTED?

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question. "Will I be acquitted?"

TOUGH QUESTION, RIGHT ANSWER

Q. Bill and Hillary are on a sinking boat. Who gets saved?
A. The nation.

HUSSEIN & CLINTON

The President is meeting with Saddam Hussein regarding the recent crisis. They are meeting in Hussein's Baghdad capital, and halfway through the meeting Hussein hits a button on his armrest. A fake arm flies out and hits Clinton in the face. A little while later he hits another button and Clinton ducks, only to be kicked in the butt. A while later, this happens again. Clinton is angry, calls a break, and they decide to meet again later, in Washington. When Hussein comes to DC, they sit in Clinton's office. A few minutes into the discussions, Clinton hits a button, Hussein ducks, but nothing happens. A few minutes later, Clinton hits another button, Hussein ducks again, but still nothing happens. This happens a third time, and Hussein, by this point, is angry and paranoid. He gets up and shouts "Enough of this! I'm going back to Baghdad!" Clinton looks up and displays a funny-looking smirk to the Iraqi leader. Then quite calmly replies, "What Baghdad?"

WHERE WOULD BILL BE?

Bill and Hillary are out driving in the country near Hillary`s hometown. They are low on fuel, so Bill pulls into a gas station for a fill-up. The attendant comes out and begin's to pump gas into the first couple's tank. As he is doing this, he looks into the passenger window. "Hey, Hillary. We used to date in high school, do you remember me?" he asks. They chat for a few minutes, Bill pays and the first couple leaves. As they drive Bill is feeling very proud of himself and looks over at Hillary. "You used to date that guy? Just think what it would be like if you had married him," he says smugly. Hillary looks at Bill and shrugs. The she replies, "Well I guess you'd be pumping gas and he would be the President."

CAN I DONATE?!?

A man on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving." He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars. So he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?" The Officer replies, "The President just found out Starr has delivered another report to the Congress and he's all depressed. He stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the .5 million he owes his lawyers. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him." "Oh really? How much have you collected so far?" "I've got a lot of folks still siphoning; but right now I have about three hundred gallons."

BILL & HILLARY AT A ROMANTIC DINNER

Bill and Hillary are at a restaurant. The waiter tells them tonight's special is chicken almondine and fresh fish. "The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," Hillary says. The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks. "Oh, he'll have the fish," Hillary replies..

A TOUGH MORAL DILEMA

I have a moral question for you. This is an imaginary situation, but think it is fun to decide what one would do. The situation: You are in the Midwest, and there is a huge flood in progress. Many homes have been lost, water supplies compromised, and infrastructure destroyed. Let's say you're a photographer out getting still photos for a news service, traveling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes. If you were to stumble across Bill Clinton struggling to keep from being swept away in a raging river and you had a choice of rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer prize-winning photograph of the President being swept away........... What shutter speed would you use?

THE GHOSTS OF PRESIDENTS PAST

One night, Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. Clinton saw him and asked, "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" "Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised George. The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. "Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked. "Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," advised Tom. Clinton didn't sleep well the next night, and saw another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked. "Go to the theatre."

HILLARY IS NOT ASKING FOR MUCH!

Did you hear that the day after Bill Clinton went on TV and confessed his relationship with Monica Lewinsky, Hilary started to draw up divorce papers? Her number one demand is to keep the house.....

CLINTON'S MOTHER'S PRAYER

Clinton's mother prayed fervently that Bill would grow up and be president. So far, half of her prayer has been answered.

SIMPLE GENETICS!

Clinton goes around telling people we humans are genetically 99.9% similar. Apparently the 0.1% is the character gene.

THE TRUTH? WHAT IS THAT?

THE CLINTON OATH: I pledge to tell some of the truth, the partial truth, and everything but the truth.

TRAGEDY, ACCIDENT OR GREAT LOSS??

Once Bill Clinton visited a elementary school to talk to a group of 3rd graders. He said to them, "Today we are going to discuss the difference between a tragedy, a great loss and an accident". Then he said, "Can anyone give me an example of a tragedy?" A little boy raises his hand and says, "If a kid runs out in the street after a ball and gets hit by a car." Clinton says, "No, that would be an accident. Can anyone else try?" A little girl raises her hand and says, "If a busload of kids drove off a cliff." Clinton says, "No, that would be a great loss. Come on, anyone else?" A boy raises his hand and says and says, "If you and Mrs. Clinton was on a plane and it blew up." Then Clinton says, "Well, Yes, but can you tell me why it would be considered a tragedy?" And the little boy says, "Well, it wouldn't have been an accident, and it sure wouldn't have been a great loss."

YOU SAVED WHO?!?

In Virginia a helicopter was cruising fast at tree top level when the engine quit, too low to auto-rotate, the helicopter plunged into a small lake where three boys happened to be fishing. The boys who were at the lake saw the whole thing happen. They swam to the site of the crash, looked in the wreckage and saw that the pilot and copilot were both dead. The lone passenger was unconscious and barely alive. They pulled him out, took him to shore, and gave him artificial respiration - saving his life. Within a few minutes there were several helicopters circling the area and one of them landed. A guy got out who seemed to be in charge and came up to the boys, he congratulated them for saving President Clinton!

"Boys," said the man, " you just saved the leader of our country! You each deserve a reward. You name it, and I'll give it to you." The first boy said, "I really want a pair of Nike Air Jordan's." The man replied, "Michael Jordan is a close personal friend of mine. I'll get everyone in your family 10 pairs of Nike's each.
The second boy said, "I'd like to go to Disneyland." The man said, "I know Michael Eisner very well. I'll see that your entire family has an all expense paid trip to Disneyland. The man turns to the third boy and asked what he would like. The boy answered saying, "I'd like a mahogany wood coffin, bagpipe music and a fly over by the Thunderbirds at my funeral service." "Funeral service?" asked the puzzled man. "What in the world are you talking about?"

The kid replied "When my father finds out who I saved he's going to kill me!"

REPUBLICAN OR DEMOCRAT PUPPIES?

Bill and Hillary were taking stroll outside the White House gates one morning and came upon a little boy trying to give away a litter of puppies. When Hillary remarked about how cute they were, the little boy said,"Yes, ma'am, they are. They're democrats." Hillary thought this was so sweet that she told the boy if he still had one left by the weekend, she would be glad take one of them home. The boy agreed and Bill and Hillary walked on. So comes the weekend and Bill and Hillary are again strolling in front of the White House and notice the little boy with the puppies. Hillary walks up and greets the young man, who has two puppies left. She fawns over both of them and the boy remarks this time, "Only two left ma'am, and they're both republicans." Hillary quickly sneered and said," But the other day, you said they were democrats." The boy replied, "Well, yes ma'am, but since then, they've opened their eyes."

WASHINGTON, NIXON & CLINTON

Q : What is the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon and Bill Clinton?
A : Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth and Clinton cannot tell the difference.